Thursday, October 13, 2011

Remembering...

A year ago right now I was in the hospital having the Twins. I can't believe it has already been a year! I never thought this day would come! Honestly! I remember being so ready for a year to pass and to put it all behind us! Little did I know that I would probably never really "get over it". I think about them everyday and how our lives would be different with them here.

Sometimes I will just sit in our living room and imagine 2 little babies playing on the floor.

Whenever we go out, I imagine bringing them along and how much longer it would take us to do things and how much harder it would be but how much fun it would be at the same time.
I imagine Jarom coming home from work and school to all 3 of us.

During holidays, I imagine what it would be like with them, taking them trick-or-treating and dressing them up in something so cute and girly!

I imagine what they would look like and wonder if they would be chubby or skinny. Probably Chubby :)

Sometimes I sit in Sacrament meeting (Church) and wish we were holding them and passing them around to the people on our bench (mostly just Jenni and Michael)

Even when times are hard, I think about them. When Jarom had his seizure, I thought about how much more crazy it would be if they were here but how happy they could make us.

I imagine going on walks while strolling them along.

I imagine how CRAZY life would be but also how happy and fun it would be. I think of all the milestones that they would be going through and all the things they would be learning.

I imagine Jarom holding them and playing with them and loving them so much, he wouldn't know what to do with himself.

And today I can't get the picture of them out of my head. Holding their tiny little body's and loving them so much! Watching Jarom hold them both and look at them with the kind love I have never seen before. Crying together and telling them how much we love them. Kissing their cold skin and having to say goodbye to them. Nothing has ever seemed so hard or has strengthened us so much. We have grown closer together as a couple because of this and learned to rely on the Lord more than we could ever imagine! Through all the tears and memories of them, we are so blessed to be looking forward to the arrival of our sweet little Evelyn, now! Now I get to look forward to, and imagine doing all these things with her!! A year ago, I would have never guessed that we would be where we are today! I thought that we would never be able to have a baby again (Irrational thinking at that time). We are getting closer and closer to her arrival and I am getting so antsy to see what she looks like and hold her and kiss her and love her and know that she is Okay! Thinking of her has made this day a lot easier! I kind of knew it would! I will never forget our twins, or the day we had to say goodbye to them. I guess October 13 will always be a hard day for us. For now at least.

11 comments:

Laurel Dorius said...

I love you Stephanie! What a sweet tribute to your little baby girls. They are so lucky to have you as their mommy. How comforting to know that although you may not be able to have them with you right now, they are yours forever. Hope that you're feeling well and hanging in there for these last couple of weeks. She's almost here! :)

Danielle said...

Well, that was BEAUTIFUL and real and I loved it. I am crying. You are such an amazing person and I'm SO happy Evelyn is coming soon and I can't wait to see her! Love you love you love you!

Emily said...

Ohhh that was such a sweet post, I just loved it and I'm bawling.

I don't know what else to say, I'm so excited for you, and that was just such a sweet post.

Love you so much!

Tyler and Kelly said...

It was friday the 13th too wasn't it! Thats the day we got a dental interview. That's why I remember it.


I can't wait for your new arrival! I'm so excited for you!

Thinking about you!
<3

LeAnn Mitchell said...

Thinking of you and Jarom today. We love you and are so happy that little Evelyn will soon be here! Such a sweet post. Love you!

Virginia said...

This is so touching, Steph. I know that you and Jarom will be awesome parents for little Evelyn and that you'll get to take care of the twins one day. We love you!

AMY AND MIKEY said...

It is crazy how our brains never forget certain things, even dates. I go through the same thing in the summer- June 23rd, day I found out about cancer. It's always a strange time for me. I'm so glad that you and Jarom are so close because of your trial, that you are closer to the Lord, and have so much faith because of it. I'm so glad you were able to receive so many blessings from your trial. I am still so sorry you had to go through it, as every trial is never anything we want to have, but I'm so grateful that you can already benefit from certain blessings that came from it. I'm sorry you have to go through this time of the year each year. And I'm sorry you have to go through it each day thinking about them. I'm so happy that you are going to have your Evelyn soon, and that she will be happy and healthy. I love you. And can't wait to hear your birth story! I wonder if we will birth the same day!

Lanette said...

You are such an amazing, strong woman! You're seriously such an inspiration to me, and I'm so grateful that you're so open in sharing your thoughts--this made me teary-eyed. I'm so glad Evelyn is joining your home so soon--you are an incredible Mommy!

Our Circus said...

Love and miss you guys! I am so glad you take time to remember and miss those two sweet girls. I too think often about them and always include them when people ask about my granddaughters.

Mrs. Osmond said...

You just made me cry. You made me realize how much more I can be thankful for my own boy- its hard to even imagine what you must go through everyday and considering the day they were born it must be super hard. You are so positive and cheerful you are a great example to us all. Thanks Steph.

Jenni said...

I don't know why it took me forever to see this. I think about your twins all of the time and I loved reading that. I know that they are forever a part of you and that is because you are forever their mama.

It's finally been that year! Evelyn is coming and life is going on. What a blessing. I love you so much!