Monday, November 29, 2010

Hospital and feelings

I feel pretty brave for posting these pictures, as they are NOT the most glamorous pictures I've ever taken. I was just going through some pictures and came across them and decided to share. Though our experience at the hospital was hard and sad, I don't want to forget the feelings I felt there and just seeing these pictures made all those feelings come back.

I remember feeling so scared and nervous. So nervous that I couldn't stop shaking. I knew that everything I was doing was for my baby girls and so I tried to be so brave. I felt so lonely and ready for it all to be over.
When they told me that Jarom could not come with me into the OR I was terrified!
Everything hurt!
The IV was horrible, getting my blood taken all the time was so annoying, the catheter was awful, the food was gross, they gave me a local anesthetic for the surgery and it barely worked! I could feel EVERYTHING! OUCH!
I missed Jarom and my Mommy!
So many things were running through my head but mostly I just wanted my Babies to be safe!
I loved my Doctor and Nurses! They were so comforting and nice!
The visitors were awesome! Courtenay and Everett came and spent all day with us and Jenni and Michael and Joanna and Cody and Eliza came after work each time we went in! I felt so loved and they made me so happy!

When we went in to deliver the babies I just wanted everything to be over! I was so scared and tired. I had feelings like "Did I kill my babies?" and "what if the surgeries I had actually made things worse?" and so much more! I think I went through all the "What If's" you could think of! I know now that those were not realistic and that it's natural to have those kind of feelings, but then it felt so logical and real. All in all our visits were scary but good. These pictures make me giggle a little bit because of how embarrassingly silly I looked! take a look for yourself, I think you'll agree!

These were taken after the surgery and we knew that we still had both of our babies so I looked a lot better than I did after the delivery, if you can believe that! We didn't take any pictures of that visit.

I was able to get up and walk to the bathroom. It felt good to be up. Jarom giggled every time I would get up because of the special diaper I got to wear. hee hee

This was before surgery. I was trying not to think about how scared I was!
So, there's the glamour shots. I'm so glad to look back at these as a memory now.
We had a great Thanksgiving vacation in California with Jarom's family. I will post about that later. We're loving the snow and getting ready for Christmas! It's the most wonderful time of the year! Just what we need! I hope you all had a wonderful Holiday!


Josh and Lauren said...

You are amazing Steph. :) Love you lots.

LeAnn said...

Oh Stephie--that is so hard. I am so sorry I was not there with you. I love you.can't wait till you get here!

Chad and Jessica said...

You are a stud! You were so brave for your babies. I can't imagine how scary and emotional that must have been. LoL about the diapers...I had something similar after Jet...haha....good times. And that picture of you standing is adorable, I love it! tHANKS FOR SHARING THE PICS. I love the new bacjground too!

Amy and Mark said...

LOVE that you're so strong to talk about your experiences and LOVE the new blog layout! You're amazing and I can't believe your positivity. You're such a great example!

Nik and Dawna said...

I cannot imagine what you went through and the courage you have to still talk about it and live on. It is so amazing to have The Gospel and know you get to see them in the next life, that they are not unreal. I think this was great for you to share this for yourself and for others out there who might have gone through the same thing. Thank you. You are awesome!!!


Oh stephy, you are so strong and brave, I love you!

Emily said...

I love those pics! You'll be so glad that you have them forever. Nothing about the hospital is glamorous, but I think you still look great.

No one should have to go through what you went through and my heart is broken for you're the toughest person I know.

Love you tons!

Jenni said...

I am SO glad there are pics to document the diaper. Good for you for getting it all down while it's fresh. and the pictures help cheer it up, right?

I love you so much. That was the scariest thing ever seeing you like that. You are the best mom ever to those babies.

love you!

Danielle said...

Oh deary- I read thsi post a while ago but I think i got distracted when I went to comment. It really just breaks my heart hearing about all this! I love that you wore a diaper though! tehehehhee. Love you so much. You are amazing.

Megan and Greg said...

Wow, just caught up on your blog. I'm sorry for you losses. That's just horrible and I'm sorry you had to go through it. I think you both are amazing. I can't believe you delivered without an epidural! What an amazing trooper!!! Those memory boxes were cool. Their little hands and feet were so tiny and cute! And yes, the diaper! I remember that!

Jess said...

love you steph, you are amazing and so strong...even if you don't feel like it sometimes!

and p.s. I LOOVE your new blog look!

Our Circus said...

Thanks for posting these photos. It helps to share. It helps you and it helps us, who couldn't be there. Your smile is so brave! Love you both! Love your owls!